Insecure

I’m insecure.  I know I am.  I don’t know where it falls in line with the morals and beliefs things associated with the words of the G-man but I know what can come of it.  If people weren’t insecure in themselves, would they ever try to be better?  I think not.  If you thought you weren’t smarter than the next person didn’t you study harder, or practice your jumpshot a little more, or hit the gym to lose weight?

I want to be better.  Within those fields of my insecurity I strive to get better at.  I want to start my own business.  I know I’m not good at networking, so I read about speaking professionally.  A lot of my insecurities have turned into strengths.  So keep my insecurities coming, I just hope I don’t take them for granted.

But Why Be The Best?

There’s a lot that can go wrong when you’re the best.  When you’re the best a lot of people are gunning for you.  A lot of people compare you.  A lot of people just plain hate you.  I’m in no way the best in a any field of my life and even though the “best” is just an unreachable title, we always seem to strive for it.  But why?  I can only think of one reason.  It’s because you want to keep what no one else has.  The security that you have by people acknowledging a gift or an ability is countered only by the embarrassment of losing it.  You think Michael Jordan wants to be below Kobe or Wendy’s being better than Grandma’s?  Obviously not.  We strive to be the best because life is a competition, and the term best is closely associated with it.

When I mentioned security I meant the feeling of knowing that even though glimpses of greatness might shine through in other people or things, nothing compares to you.  No matter what, people will consider you the best.  As egotistic as it sounds, being the best makes the individual with the title not want to give it up.  Ever.  Being the best means that they never lost.  They know that if they lose, all faith in him from others and even in himself can be crushed forever.  Think about it like this, if a power broker from a wall street firm constantly makes big deals he is elevated to a position in his company.  Now if he gets fired from his position and replaced by someone who took the same path as him, he’ll never get the same respect he once had.  Why?  In his mind, he lacked some skill or talent that the new “best” guy has.  He lost that security.  We see it all the time.

Does being the best last forever?  No.  But you want it to at least last your lifetime.

Karma

I’m a believer in Karma, wholeheartedly.  I blame it all on Mackel.  I feel as if everything negative  is creeping up on me right now and kicking my ass.  It’s hard to say which specific action sparked my current life turmoil but I’m pretty sure it’s there’s a tolerance level before it says it’s had enough and decides to cough up all that bad stuff on you.

Sometimes, I don’t even feel like moving.  I don’t have the motivation to.  I wish I could sleep all day and not be in contact with anyone.  I don’t even feel like walking my dog.  I can’t cry.  If I will, it’ll open the floodgates but I want to so bad.

It’s like, I know the person I want to become, but I don’t know what’s more upsetting.  Whether it’s situations where I just completely ignore it, or when I feel like I’m close to it and fail.  I’m a failure.  I don’t even know what I wanted to say next.

Worst week ever

It started with a comment then it just kept rolling downhill. Sigh. You guys don’t wanna know the half.

Pretend Adult

I’m a pretend adult.  I pay my bills but that’s about it.  Sigh.

Just Hit the Damn Ball

I know I’m a little late on this but I feel like it had to be said.  I can’t take all the credit for this particular post because it represents a newfound point of view exposed by a friend of mine.  Alex Rodriguez took steroids in the 2003 MLB season.  Woopty fucking do.  I’m going to express the one line that can truly encompass my feelings for the whole steroids scandal made famous by Tom Hanks.  ”There’s no crying in baseball.”  The only people who this actually matters to is ummmm….no one.  Who cares if athletes want to shoot HGH into their asses?  They want the same thing we want out of them.  That is, to go out to the plate and smash the living hell out of that  baseball.  The few times that I have actually been to a baseball game, the only thing I wanted to see was actions that required unbelievable amounts of strength.  That includes hitting balls OUT the park, gunning down a runner from the outfield, taking the hit at home plate, and throwing a fastball over 100 mph.  If an athlete wants to get juiced up to achieve those tasks, then so be it.  People forget that after the strike the home run contest between McGuire and Sosa (two supposed steroid abusers) brought baseball’s popularity back.  We’re not worried about the integrity of America’s pastime, that was lost when you paid him $250 million while the rest of America is in a recession.  I mean seriously, wouldn’t you want to be the best.  I try to be the best creative designer I can everyday.  I take in all the tools necessary to achieve that goal.  I have a mouse, tablet, and the latest version of Photoshop.  Same thing goes for athletes.  They have the best sneakers, bats, gloves, and performance enhancing drugs.  It’s just part of the natural progression of the game.  Juice up A-Rod, help the Yankees get to the World Series please.  We need it.

A Sign of The Times

Today I read the news that my second favorite institution (because they produce some smart kids and for other reasons) Spelman College, is cutting their entire education department.  Of course, everyone knows the blatant reasons for this decision.  As much ask I don’t like to see the upset faces of many girl’s crushed dreams, we all understand the season.  I know many products of this particular department and I have to say that they are the most passionate individuals I know within my peer group.  It was a very small department and it just makes sense from a business perspective.  For all the people who went through this department, donate some time, some money.  SAVE IT!!!  The kids need us.

Re-Shift & Re-Focus

I was watching the Grammy awards tonight (pretty good show, except for the Album of the Year Winner, who the #%&* are they?), and the commercial for the news kept circulating.  The kept talking about a woman who lost all her money during on-line dating.  The next story was supposed to be about Chris Breezy and Rihanna scuffle.  Then at the end of the commercial is said “These top stories in the first 5 minutes of the program.”  I was like huh?  That’s not news.  A local woman who is stupid and a celebrity tabloid cover?  I knew most news programs were tabloids but I mean, aren’t there more pressing issues?  I care about the economy, or Obama, or something relevant to anything.  I wouldn’t even mind the weather.  People, we need to realize that what we do is bullshit.  It doesn’t matter.  Get to the stuff that matters.  Especially when it comes to my news reporting.  Thank you.

The Post of All Posts

I’m sorry.  I really am.  All I ever wanted was us.  Was that too much to ask for?  I’m far from perfect, I don’t even want to be perfect.  Just good enough and secure enough to feel like we were making the right decisions.  Sorry, if you didn’t feel that I was.  I’m working on it everyday.  If it’s an issue of trust, then I don’t trust you.  The only thing I trust is God.  But if God so found fit for me to find you, and you live through him as I do, then trust is always there in this form.

Dreams, not like those, but like these

I had three separate dreams last night and I don’t think that they are related to each other at all.  In my first dream, I was at this party and there were girls in lingerie and beds.  Clearly, you know how this is going to wind up.  I was messing around with one girl when I spotted I girl from school that I found attractive.  She was a friend’s room mate who I tried to pursue but my friend claimed she was out of my league.  I wasn’t upset about it because I never really tried hard.  Anyway, back to the dream.  When I spotted her, she was walking to a separate bed and urged me to come over.  No doubt.  When I got close to her, she pulled out a gun I had randomly, and pulled the trigger.  However, she didn’t shoot me.  Instead, the gun was pointing at her.  Even though she was shot, she remained calm and the next part of the dream involved people trying to get her help.  End of Dream numero uno.

In my second dream I was what I always thought of being, a drug dealer.  I guess I was just starting off because I didn’t know what the hell I was doing.  I had some cocaine in a ziploc bag like it was powdered sugar, lol.  I watch enough movies to know that this is not how it goes down.  Also in this dream was my brother.  My brother just happened to be a cop.  He said that he knew I had the drugs and when he found out where it was, he would arrest me.  It remained in the back seat of my car while my brother shadowed me wherever I went.  We went to a party and my friend was with us.  I asked him to call me tomorrow and say that he left something in my car.  I would hand him the keys, and he would take the bag and dump out the contents.  However, that never worked out.  the next scene is me pouring the contents of the bag in a swimming pool that my brother was in.  I don’t think he saw me though.

Sigh, last one.  Most upsetting.  So I’m currently “talking” to this female in real life.  In the dream my friend  calls her and puts her on speaker. He asks her something and she responds “Whatever you want to do with me.”  Then he handed me the phone.  I was like “damn, that’s how you feel?”  I think I might’ve hung up on her.  I don’t really remember what was said after that.  

All the dreams revolve around how I feel right now about certain situations.  In the first one, the point is, damn I don’t know.  This is the only one I can’t figure out.  In the second one, it’s definitely about not wanting to upset my bro-ham.  I was so paranoid that he would find out what I was doing that I had to do something about it.  In the third, it’s just a simple issue of trust which I still have doubts about.  I’m not really sure but this is just my assessment.