Ok, I’ll take the L and say that I’m slightly a hypocrite for this post. A while back I wrote a post called Mold Me Baby, where I said I don’t use a standard base of criteria when looking for a significant other. That has changed over time because now I think i know EXACTLY what I want. First off, the basic criteria still stands. Those things being smart, good-looking, supportive, affectionate, a lady, etc. You know the standards. Now the standards are just that, standards. A women must posses those before I even start to look at her other attributes and consider her for the position of My Queen. So I wrote a little list and if you can check all of them, please meet me at the nacho cart:

1. Must like sports – Notice I said like, not love. I love sports. That’s my job. She must like sports enough to cheer for her teams and know who the stars are on her team. She could even have his jersey on, only if we go to the game. I don’t expect her to know that she has to check down the short route corner on a post route, or understand Phil Jackson’s triangle offense but she has to know when the team scores. Also, I love a little bit of smack talk if her teams beat mine.
2. A social person. I mean this not only in public but interactively as well. I expect her to follow me on twitter, often tweet (at least 5 times a day), comment on things on Facebook, etc.. Maybe not so much Facebook. A big plus is if she reads and comments on my blog. An even bigger plus is if she has her own blog.
3. Must like rap. I definitely don’t want her to know every BIggie or T.I. lyric but to know good rap from bad rap. I expect to look at her iTunes and have Cudi, some Wale, Jay, and some old school stuff like 90’s West Coast Rap.
4. Know how to cook. Now I know this is in the basics but I mean really know technique. It’s a plus when I go into a woman’s kitchen and has several cookbooks in her kitchen on different cuisines. I want her to look at the weirdest thing in the cookbook, look at me and say “Let’s try this” and we’re off to the market.
5. A casual reader. I read books all the time and I expect her to do the same. I want her library to rival mine. I try to read at least 30 pages a night and reading is the only way for us to become smarter. It’s a win win.
6. A clean mouth. I don’t mean all the time but a good 80% of it. I only expect her to curse to herself or out of sarcasm. I don’t like to curse much. If she curses around kids or her mother forget it. Even if my grandma overhears me curse she’s going to smack me.

That’s it for now. Sorry about the small line spacing between the list items.

Does potential have a time limit? Can it die or become disregarded by others? We are living in impatient times where results are delivered instantaneously without a doubt of what was considered to achieve them. We are blinded today by quick success stories and some feel as though we are privileged to those same positions without true merit. Success is comprised of hard work, skill, prayer, sacrifice, and realizing when to take advantage of opportunities. These things take time. Lots of it.

This holds true especially in relationships. Not only romantic but platonic and professional ones as well. For instance, let’s look at everyone’s favorite but most eluded emotion, love. Sometimes I feel like I suck at love. I know all the elements and how it’s supposed to feel but trying to achieve it seems unfathomable. I know how I feel and I try to deliver it but sometimes the results aren’t what I expected. It doesn’t mean that my intentions weren’t good I just didn’t meet expectations. This usually results in my partner becoming dreary and eventually she sees this as a lack of potential. A failed attempt at over-exceeding standards. These failed attempts, coupled with a person’s tolerance level eventually leads to the end of my relationship with that woman.

Like I mentioned before, I don’t aim low, but the results might be unsatisfying. Potential and tolerance are equally shared between both of us. Some might argue that we shouldn’t look at how ones actions make us feel, but instead appreciate their intentions. This is slightly true but at some point one’s conscience kicks in and posts big decisions triggered by the lack of tolerance. Another issue can be us being insatiable, but that’s another issue in it’s own.

Recently, I have come under a lot of fire for things that have been posted here and on other social media outlets that I am apart of.  I’ve also realized that what I’ve produced electronically is a metaphor for what I may feel about a current situation.  Now why would I do such a thing?  Why would I say something here instead of just saying it to that person’s face?  It’s simple.  It’s because I know that they would read it.  Most of the time when I blog, or tweet, or update my facebook status, it’s uniquely directed toward one person.  It might be a girl I”m dating, or a girl I like, or the guy who stepped on my shoe on the train.   So Sean, why don’t you stop acting like a bitch and say it to their face?  Maybe this is just for me, but you have to take a step out of the situation to get your thoughts together.  Maybe when you think of telling that person how you feel, you become so blinded with it, your thoughts don’t come out clear.  I like to see my words.  I’m used to it.  I’m part of a different generation.

Now some people may bring up the issue of privacy.  I shouldn’t talk about people before I say something to that person first. I say that’s ridiculous.  This is how I vent.  This is how I get away from the frustration that they brought me.  Yes I believe in keeping things sacred, but that was lost when I became upset or whatever other emotion that can come up..  All this is a bigger medium for help.  In fact, I make myself more vulnerable by exposing myself this way.  I wouldn’t try to intentionally embarrass anybody in this fashion.

With that said, should I be looked at differently or judged from what I’ve done?  Yes, and no.  Yes because I did it and no matter what my own personal justification was for doing it, people will get mad for not keeping matters in house.  No because a lot of people who read this don’t know me personally.  No because if you know me, you know I would never intentionally try to hurt someone.  Like any human, I react off emotion, and this is an outlet.

It happens all too often.  A guy sees an attractive female, gets close with her and starts to catch feelings for her.  He confesses and the all too familiar response comes out of her mouth.  “Aww (insert the soon to be played gentleman’s name), you know that we’re just friends.”  Pop in the 808s and Heartbreak.  I’ve been “zoned” a few times before and trust me, it’s not a happy place.  Sometimes I’ve regretted my decision to tell the girl.  I thought she’d immediately jump into my arms and start tearing my clothes off.  I couldn’t of been more wrong.  I assumed that since we were friends it would be an easy transition.  I was given that inch, being our friendship, and assumed that I could just have the mile.  I failed to realize that some of those feelings weren’t mutual.  Now I had to deal with awkwardness while in her presence.  I felt more strained than before.

Ok, let’s back this up.  Guys, some of you are not in this situation because in reality, all you wanted to do was the no-pants dance.  Some of you actually like this girl.  That’s ok because if you spend enough time with someone most likely emotion is destined to be developed.  Some of you are both.  Hey, I’m a guy, I understand.  There are errors in both routes that I’ll explain.

When you’re just trying to sleep with a girl, she probably already knows this before you even say “Hi” when you first meet her.  Like men, women can look at a man and automatically confirm to themselves if they want to drop the draws or not.  To most women (by that I mean of high standard) sex is inextricably tied to emotion.

On the contrary, when you develop a true friendship with a female and you still pull that line but are still rejected you might’ve tried too hard at being her friend.  She was able to make you her friend with the benefits of a male perspective and strengths.  If you’ve ever helped her move, paid for all the dinners, know her parents, or talked about her current suitors then you probably lived that double role.  She just doesn’t see you as the man she needs to claim her.  What besides your strength differentiates you from most of her female friends?  She has the best of both worlds without the male driven want of sexual fulfillment on behalf of the guy.

I must also add that some women might have criteria that you just might not fall into.  Maybe you’re funny but you don’t meet her physical standards.  You might have one or two but that third one is the deal-breaker.  Those couple of qualities that you do have is just enough to keep you around, as a friend.

After receiving the crushing response some men completely quit being the woman’s friend.  Most likely they are the ones that fit into the first category but their chances are ruined forever because it fully exposes your intentions.  For the ones that stick around, I commend you (pats myself on the back).  Now comes the hard part.  For most men, trying to find your way out and into her heart is an arduous journey.  Sometimes you need to face the fact that you might be there forever.  That is unless you learn how to become exactly what she wants.

From the time you confess to her, you are automatically tossed into her “Potential Suitors” category.  This means that all your actions from now on will be judged even if you both decided to just remain friends.  In her mind, you’re still her friend but now you have potential because she’s looking at you in a different light.  She knows how cool you were when you were friends but now she’s asking herself if she would appreciate your actions (what you do for her) more as a boyfriend.  This is where the man has to shine.  This is also good for men as well because it alleviates the pressure of messing up in a friendship and allows them to flirt a little and be that man they felt you were scared to be in the friendship.  But you have to be very careful because you still have to preserve what you have.

For most men, trying to find your way out and into her heart is an arduous journey.  There’s certain ways to climb you way out of the abyss.  Don’t get mad at me if none of them work.  I can’t be blamed me for your lack of charisma.

1. Find a new joint – Nothing makes women more apt to confront a man than seeing what she could’ve had with you.  Having you talk about another women will make her think of what qualities she doesn’t have that made you stopped being interested in her.  Eventually, she’ll upgrade herself for you to take notice.  She did it to you for so long, do the role reversal.  I’m not saying do this in spite of her, but I’ll encourage you to move on because it will be a long journey.
2. Be scarce – Like I said before, you were too much of her friend.  Now that you’re looked at in another light, reap the benefits a little.  You don’t have to always try to be her puppy when she rings her little bell.
3. Let her witness the good life – When you do have a moment to steal with her, make it worthwhile.  You’re already her friend so you know what she likes.  This is saying, life is good with me.  She talks about what her other suitors don’t provide, so now is your chance to give it.

You have to have extreme patience if you get cast into this zone.  For some people it takes months or even years to even get what they wanted.  But is it worth it?  Of course, silly rabbit.  You get the best of both worlds.  To the ladies, don’t become the women that he doesn’t want to be friends with anymore.  Just as you’re judging his actions post-confession, yours were always judged from the beginning.

Am I still friends with those who I confessed to?  Yes.  You’re friends for a reason.  You still want the best for that girl and sometimes you just have to realize that it was never meant to be.

Have ever tried to transfer from the A train to the 2 or 3 train at 42nd St. Grand Central?  If you have, then you are familiar with the arduous journey at 42nd on your way to your final destination.  Along this long tunnel that leads me to my 3 train taking me to Saratoga Avenue there are some very interesting characters.  At any given time, you may see a model, a C-list actor, a familiar friend, musicians, and panhandlers.  All of them catch my attention but on this one particular trek it was the panhandler that stood out to me.  Now I always see bums (sorry to be politically incorrect) but in this one particular case, numerous thoughts came to my head.  One, I’m not giving this bum any money.  Two, this man stinks and he’s dirty.  There’s no way I’m going to place my hand in his hand to give him any money.  Third, this guy is working way harder than me right now.  Yes, he is begging for money to probably support an unfavorable activity (unless it’s weed, mmmm weed) but he is working.  To him, that is his job.  I, on the other hand was walking by him after not working for a reputable employer for over two years and being concerned about my future during that time period.  The bum, who has it harder than me on all levels of life has the persistent nature which most unemployed people can’t seem to grasp.  Granted, I haven’t been completely unproductive but absolutely not at the perceived position I had 2 to 3 years ago.  What I should be doing is continuing to build my portfolio and start looking for more web design gigs, but I’m not as persistent as the bum and I’m moving slow.  Our techniques and avenues are different but our end goal is the same which is to get a better life.  And right now that bum is winning.

Well, why deny it?  As of early this morning I became a single man once again.  I can write all about my ex-partner and events which led to the break-up but exposing her in a negative light is not only shallow, but un-Godly in my opinion.  Am I still angry about what happened with the whole situation?  Possibly.  Am I relieved?  Possibly.  But those two emotions and many others always have to counter another one.  Doubt.  Doubt that what happened and the decisions I made were the best ones.  Doubt that I tried the best I could to remedy the situation.  Doubt that the emotions I felt which had to be addressed were truly real.  Doubt that it was over.

It becomes clear to me that there will always be doubt.  However, your doubts can lead to revelations and ultimately become the determining factor in your decisions.  Unfortunately, but fortunately as well, because of doubt, there will always be regrets.  However, what is life without those regrets?  So therefore, I must say that there is some confidence in doubt.  When you feel that your doubts are overpowering your beliefs then over time, they no longer become your doubts, but your beliefs.  Deciding to act upon your doubts in another story in itself, but that’s when your confidence in them become fully exposed.

My advice to anyone who feels the same way I felt is to listen to your doubts.  Even if they might be right or wrong.  I’m not telling you to immediately act upon them, but listen at least.  Some people may find what I just said to be faulty however, without doubt there would only be unilateral, unparalleled thinking.  What kind of world would that be?  Unfavorable in my opinion.

To my ex, I’m sorry if you’re hurt.  I’m hurt too but you of all people know that things aren’t perfect.  You’ve had doubts as well.  Big ones.  Doubts that have been fully expressed to me and that have been denied by you.  But hopefully this just reinforces what you thought all along.  I don’t blame you for any of your doubts but I won’t apologize for them either.  As a matter of fact, thank you.

“Any belief worth having must survive doubt”

I can’t say this is the final edit of the post, but if I do re-visit this I’ll let you know.  Ha, evidence of doubt.

I’m insecure.  I know I am.  I don’t know where it falls in line with the morals and beliefs things associated with the words of the G-man but I know what can come of it.  If people weren’t insecure in themselves, would they ever try to be better?  I think not.  If you thought you weren’t smarter than the next person didn’t you study harder, or practice your jumpshot a little more, or hit the gym to lose weight?

I want to be better.  Within those fields of my insecurity I strive to get better at.  I want to start my own business.  I know I’m not good at networking, so I read about speaking professionally.  A lot of my insecurities have turned into strengths.  So keep my insecurities coming, I just hope I don’t take them for granted.

There’s a lot that can go wrong when you’re the best.  When you’re the best a lot of people are gunning for you.  A lot of people compare you.  A lot of people just plain hate you.  I’m in no way the best in a any field of my life and even though the “best” is just an unreachable title, we always seem to strive for it.  But why?  I can only think of one reason.  It’s because you want to keep what no one else has.  The security that you have by people acknowledging a gift or an ability is countered only by the embarrassment of losing it.  You think Michael Jordan wants to be below Kobe or Wendy’s being better than Grandma’s?  Obviously not.  We strive to be the best because life is a competition, and the term best is closely associated with it.

When I mentioned security I meant the feeling of knowing that even though glimpses of greatness might shine through in other people or things, nothing compares to you.  No matter what, people will consider you the best.  As egotistic as it sounds, being the best makes the individual with the title not want to give it up.  Ever.  Being the best means that they never lost.  They know that if they lose, all faith in him from others and even in himself can be crushed forever.  Think about it like this, if a power broker from a wall street firm constantly makes big deals he is elevated to a position in his company.  Now if he gets fired from his position and replaced by someone who took the same path as him, he’ll never get the same respect he once had.  Why?  In his mind, he lacked some skill or talent that the new “best” guy has.  He lost that security.  We see it all the time.

Does being the best last forever?  No.  But you want it to at least last your lifetime.

I’m a believer in Karma, wholeheartedly.  I blame it all on Mackel.  I feel as if everything negative  is creeping up on me right now and kicking my ass.  It’s hard to say which specific action sparked my current life turmoil but I’m pretty sure it’s there’s a tolerance level before it says it’s had enough and decides to cough up all that bad stuff on you.

Sometimes, I don’t even feel like moving.  I don’t have the motivation to.  I wish I could sleep all day and not be in contact with anyone.  I don’t even feel like walking my dog.  I can’t cry.  If I will, it’ll open the floodgates but I want to so bad.

It’s like, I know the person I want to become, but I don’t know what’s more upsetting.  Whether it’s situations where I just completely ignore it, or when I feel like I’m close to it and fail.  I’m a failure.  I don’t even know what I wanted to say next.

It started with a comment then it just kept rolling downhill. Sigh. You guys don’t wanna know the half.