If You Were Me, I’d Be You

“If I Were A Boy” was recently being blasted in my car because my friend, who’s a female decided to turn it up really loud.  I actually got to listen to the lyrics and you know what?  Some of it made sense.  I do a lot of that, maybe not to that extent but to a degree.   However, what would happen if “I Were a Girl” was to come out.  What would be some of the points emphasized by men, about women?  Would it be about money-grubbin’, or even shallow points like not cooking, not putting out, and not being supportive.  What do you think some men would say about you, ladies?

Most Overused Term of ‘09

“My President is Black”

So what, I haven’t gone a day without saying it, hearing it, wanting it, noticing it, and wanting it.  I watched today’s inauguration ceremonies (well, what I could because I don’t think the people I was watching it with were particularly interested in politics and they were distracting), and was kind of upset with Obama’s speech.  I mean, he hit me with the wit and fervor that he usually does with certain lines that correlate to the world’s issues, but Barack, this is a day of celebration.  Have your day my brother.  Bask in your glory for a little while.  I bask in my non-glorious glory every day.  That’s all I want.  Just say, “I did it.”  Take some ounce of credit for who you are.  I understand about the morals and humility and everything like that but just do it.  We’re ok with it.  

 

Cool brotha

The Gummy Bear Chronicles

Her:

 

She gives herself that look in the mirror.  It’s the look that says, “Tonight, I am the shit.”  It was the silent confidence that she had gained over the years.  Confidence to know that when she wanted something, nothing would be able to stop her.  It was New Years Eve and she was spending it in Atlanta, her former home.  She loved it and wanted to stay but it was a sacrifice she made to follow her dreams.  Tonight, she would party hard, as is customary and the standard for her lifestyle.  One that included dancing on tables, not for tips, but for fun.  Drinking white wine with her best friends was her pre-game ritual and she knew she would need another drink when she got in the party.  “Tonight, I am the shit,” she repeated to herself before she walked out the door.

 

Him:

 

“I always win,” was his mantra for the New Year.  Going into it, he was on a winning streak so he knew ’09 would be his year.  Swagger was his middle name for the night.  A strong mouthpiece and a simple yet classic style of dress he exuded would be enough to catch the eye of any woman.  He loved to be here.  It was a 24-hour lifestyle of money, women, and good food.  He couldn’t ask for any more.  In the back of his mind he took tonight as just another party.  To him, everyday was Christmas and every night was New Years.  He was bred to do this.  Patron would be the only liquid being absorbed in his bloodstream tonight.  He took 3 shots in the parking lot before he walked to the Fox.

 

Her:

 

Lines were never her thing.  She felt like the line for the end of the world was shorter than this.  She just wanted to get in there to party.  She could feel the bass of the speakers permeating through the building.  She hoped they didn’t play all her favorite songs before she got in there because then some guy wouldn’t see what she was working with.   She was working it well that night.  Her dress was almost skin-tight and she knew that her body was every man’s desire.  Thankfully, the line was moving and eventually she walked into the ballroom with her friends and realized that in this environment, she was going to have a great time.  They walked to the bar and immediately she could feel the amount of attention she was garnering.  It stroked her ego but she knew that none of these guys were capable of her.  It was nice to know that her ego could be so easily stroked.  But she was allowed to have one because whatever she does, she’s good at, and that included all of her activities. 

 

Him:

 

Piercing, envious eyes viewed him as he walked straight to the front door.  VIP was his normal entrance.  He hasn’t stood on the line or paid for a party since ’05.  The promoter for the party was his friend and his fellow college buddy.  As soon as he saw him, he called him through the front door motioning the lady at the door to not charge him.  He walked upstairs and he sees a friend that owes him a drink.  A round of Patron was in order.  The Blue Agave drink crept down into his stomach and he hoped his drunk would kick in soon.  He saw some more friends finally feeling his buzz.  Pictures, hugs, and several dances later, he was exhausted.  He thought it was of the lifestyle at first, but his body was worn out instead.  Hardly any sleep the night before was not the recipe for energy, especially for New Years that can lead into the morning hours.  He waited for his second wind, and he found exactly what would give it to him……

 

Her:

 

She couldn’t believe it.  She was blown.  She was on friend patrol.  She was chasing her friend around making sure she didn’t do anything stupid.  What’s the situation?  Who cares?  It was depriving her of her fun and it started to get a little annoying.  She just wanted to dance, maybe even give her number away.  After chasing her friend around for a while, she finally found herself back on the dance floor enjoying the jazz-influenced bass-line.  She looked around for a while and noticed Him out the corner of her eye.  She didn’t know what it was about him but something was luring her to him.  Automatically, it was lust.  She didn’t mind lust, because as fast as it comes is as fast as it can be gone.   There was a certain “je ne sais quoi,” an aura of light that resembled Bruce Leroy on The Last Dragon.  He had the glow.  She walked over to him, but he didn’t take notice yet.  He was dancing with another female, and as soon as she got close enough another pulled her by her waist, the unofficial and sometimes disrespectful way to ask for a dance.  It was New Years, so she unhappily obliged, but only for half the song, since she couldn’t take her eyes off him.  As soon as the song ended, he disappeared.  She was sad, but she knew her night wasn’t over so she would see him again.

 

Him: 

 

He couldn’t believe it.  His roommate and him stood in amazement.  They were staring at perfection.  He couldn’t take his eyes off of this single object.  It was perfect in size and shape, possibly firmness; he would have to have first hand experience to gauge that.  For the night, it was deemed the winner of the coveted “Horse Award.”  However, that wasn’t the only thing that gave him his second wind.  To go along with her assets, she was beautiful.  Her aqua dress further accentuated her curves and her face rivals that of Aphrodite.  However, as soon as he was going to make his approach, she fled chasing her friends around for some reason.  He was temporarily blown.  HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!  He reminded himself that this was his year of winning. 

 

Her: 

 

As said before, she goes after what she wants.  She was now in his vicinity and there was no possible way that she wore that dress for nothing.  She was dancing with someone else, and he was in her sights.  When the song ended she stood around for a while until she was finally able to make eye contact.  She flashed her signature “come and get me” smile.  It never failed.  She knew she could reel him at any time.  However, he still didn’t come over.  She was determined.  She walked toward him, put her hand on her arm and said “I’ve wanted to dance with you all night.”  She turned around and put her award winner by his groin area.  It was a memorable experience for her for.  As the song ended she turned around and had a short little conversation with him but soon realized that her friends had disappeared and she had to find them ASAP leaving her dream state to return to the perils of reality. 

 

Him: 

 

“Is she looking at me?”  He said to himself while the award winner glanced in his direction.  He wasn’t entirely sure what to make of it; there were a lot of people around him.  She could’ve glanced at a number of people.  He grabbed another female that looked like she was dancing exotically instead of to the rhythm of the song and danced with her momentarily.  He saw the aqua dress approaching him and she extended her arm to touch his as she whispered words in his words.  It was the acknowledgment that he needed to take her hand, swirl her around and come into contact tonight’s winner.  It was pure ecstasy.  Better than the drug he took the night before.  He felt like he could dance with her forever but at soon as that thought crossed him mind she turned around and had to leave.  Before she vanished, as is customary and a pre-requisite to ask for her number, he said “Excuse me miss, but what’s your name?”  She mentioned that she was named after the type of liquor that was currently swirling around in his bloodstream.  That’s when he knew that he needed to win with this woman, however she was gone and he didn’t see her for the rest of the night.

 

They went there separate ways until two days after the party she received a friend request.

 

The End.  

Heisman Chump

Star players should come through in the clutch.  Except in college football.  It seems as though whenever they give out one of those 20 pound bronze statues the recipient doesn’t seem like then earned it when it matters most.  Sam Bradford, I believed in you.  You led an offense that scored 60+ points in 6 games this season, but you were held to just a measly 14 in the championship game.  Don’t get me wrong Sam, you’re good, Pro good in fact but your leadership skills were lacking for the championship game.  What were you guys thinking on all those 3rd down plays.  The ball should be in your hands, not your RB.  Stay another year pal, and you’ll have it all figured out.

On another note, BCS you suck.  All you really are is a bunch of great marketers who know how to run with a story.  Tim Tebow, and that speech he made after the loss to Ole Miss and Sam Bradford and the high scoring offense.  They probably made half a billion dollars last night.  Utah Utes BCS champions for 2010.