I Lied

I’ve come to the realization that I lie a great amount.  I’m not talking about the little lies that are passed off as jokes, but the ones I say that try to make me look good for no apparent reason.  It may be about a girl I hooked up with but didn’t, what I did last night but didn’t, how drunk I was when I tried her but wasn’t.  You get the point.  Shit, half the time I wish i had actually done those things, which make it even worse.  

It’s actually pretty lame.  Next time someone asks me what I was doing I’m going to say “I was at home, I cooked, watched some football and went to sleep.”  Sounds engaging.  Rocko’s Modern Life.

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“Our lips say we’re just friends but our eyes and bodies say so much more.”

SHOW ME THE $$$$

Where do we get this money from?  I’m watching MTV right now and they have about 20 people living on an island in a multi-million dollar home and offering them $200,000 each if they win the competition.  With this state of the economy, why?  Like seriously, it’s a million-dollar production.  Pull your resources towards something like ummm…shit I dunno, something other than this.  It is quite entertaining though I must say.  Happy people do spend more money, so I guess that’s their contribution to my insurmountable debt.   If we want to save money, get rid of these ridiculous game-shows that offer millions of dollars in prizes.

It’s That Time

During several parts of your life you go through things which make you analyze what’s around you and say, “I need to stop.”  I think of my friend Mihyar who I have witnessed this happen to several times.  He usually reaches a realization of the negative, or even positive influences around him and drops them all completely, visions the change he needs to make, and applies it immediately.  It’s kind of admirable.  

Lately I’ve been reading this novel called The Unbearable Lightness of Being and it has really has me thinking about my relationships, not only with the opposite sex but with people in general.  I’ve not been doing a lot lately, or probably ever, to make people proud.  Everything is expected, and nothing is out the ordinary.  This change I’m about to speak of won’t be monumental or mind-blowing and still fits within the same expectations.  Maturity, I guess you can call it.  The book revolves around a character who is promiscuous while still in love with another woman.  The first part, which is as far as I’ve got but since I’m writing this you can assume the impact it has had on me, talks about weight and lightness.  Weight being a burden you have to bear to progress, while lightness concerns infinite possibilities and the whole “sky is the limit” chant.  The author uses the themes to bear down on the mental convictions on the character’s actions, questioning his decisions regarding what he feels are bound by his love for one woman and the temptation for others  Is the author writing about me even though the novel was published way before my time?  I think yes.  As much as all of us would like to be within the realm of lightness, we must also assume that pressure busts pipes which is the burden of weight.  Sometimes, it’s hard to differentiate the two.  

In terms of my relationships, I can honestly say, unless I really really liked you, I’ve probably treated you like shit.  If I did, you probably got the queen treatment.  I’m a victim to temptation and even when I was with the one I wanted to be with, I always felt it wasn’t enough.  I desired others, but only momentarily.  Needless to say, changes are necessary. 

I also went to church yesterday and received a sermon from a visiting pastor.  He made several good points but the line that hit me the most and was the catalyst for change was, “You have to turn from in order to turn into.”  I always knew what I had to do in order to get my life on track, but I always just thought about how life would be if I actually did or had those things.  I wasn’t realizing that steps had to be made in order to reach those goals.  I’m not saying these changes will be immediate, but I know that during the process, there will be times that burdens and sacrifices will bear heavy, but I think that will lead into momentary periods of lightness.

Mold Me Baby

I stopped trying to find my dream woman years ago.  When I say dream, I mean looking for a particular woman, in another woman.  For instance, I’m pretty sure it’s impossible to find a Jada or Halle or whatever perfect “wife” role they played in a movie in another woman somewhere on the social scene.  Right now, whenever I see a woman that I might take interest to, I take her for what she is.  I always start with a clean slate when I start a new relationship even if I see some of the old qualities within a new girl.  My friend Charles says that there are qualities that should go across the board.  However, woman aren’t pre-packaged.  I don’t want them to be.  That’s boring and it halters the “growing together” process that I yearn for.  As we all grow, we all mature and gain wisdom into how to treat and maintain a relationship.  If a woman were perfect when she came up to me, I married her, had dinner prepared when I came home, soccer mom, whatever, I would honestly be bored out of my mind.  I think a lot of men are miserable that way and I honestly believe in this day and age, the housewife role should be abolished.  I know some of my male friends would disagree with my last statement but in the back of their minds they silently agree.

A Muse

When I first came into college, I wanted to be a film major.  Now, I have a degree in accounting with nowhere or no want to go anywhere in that messed up field at this point in time.  Also, I feel as if being immersed with business for the last 3 years has drowned my creativity.  I used to take pictures, do movie montages, write, all that “artsy” shit.  Now I can’t think of anything.  WTF!  Surely, it will come back.  I had a fortune cookie last week that said “You will be well known in the field of entertainment.”  Wow.

Danger Zone

I’m an asshole, supposedly, according to a group of people labelled friends by a “friend”.  If that makes sense.  My actions don’t line up with my morals and ethics or whatever may come out of my mouth in general.  This is something I’ve known for a while now, it’s just now creeping up to bite me in the ass.  This isn’t a sympathy piece either.  If you think I’m one, treat me as such.  My tolerance for that behavior is probably a lot higher than yours.  I’ve been called out for being inconsiderate of people’s feelings when they’re in my hands.  I’m not sure if that has anything to with this but, I don’t like that girl.  So please stop.  Don’t put your feelings in my hands, plain and simple.  If I did something mean to you that was on a personal or touchy subject, didn’t I always try to help you out with it as well?  If that’s being an asshole, Webster needs to do another revised edition.   Yea sure, I’ve might’ve been blunt or inconsiderate but I’ve always tred to evoke something even if it’s in the least bit.  If you feel no way about me and I can’t inspire some way for you to feel, then what’s the point of opening my mouth.  My friend once said “Sean you’re a good friend, but you are fucked up.”  Which end of the stick would you like?   I’d take an asshole friend.  It’s funny too because when they told me that I don’t care about people’s feelings I started to ask around my friends to see if I’ve done something mean to them and they all said yes.  Ha.  Why do they keep me around?  Who knows.  Oh some of them said, entertainment.  I provide entertainment.  The circus is in town every time I’m around.  Thanks.  

Of course I’m going to try to improve myself but then the Universoul Circus would go into the history books.  Which one would you pick?